I was walking around the farm today, pondering on what was bugging me...
Littles M inability to hear my voice.
No, her hearing is fine, she's just had her 2 year check, I know, I know she's only 2, I understand, and make huge allowances for that, like the Swahili proverb that states, mri wake unawaruhuso, her age allows her to...
I get that, I really do, but his is different, it's not just selective hearing, like hubby has, like most males do, my sons are the same, or even our dogs, when they don't want to go outside cause its cold, I don't blame them, I'm partial to a chair by the fire myself, I too have selective hearing.
No, I'm convinced this is different. This isn't the same.
I saw this with our other daughter, XX, when we first became a family, it took two years for her to hear, really hear and trust my voice, and now with Lil M, I see it too.
And I think the missing ingredient is trust.
How long does trust take to build, this trust that doesn't question, that believes that the other, me in this case, has got their best interest at heart?
With our 4 big kids, it was there from the beginning, they new my voice in utero, slightly muffled, possibly distorted, as they heard it through my body, but I know they heard it, they knew me, implicit trust from the beginning, I was their provider, their nurturer.
They heard it as I held them in my arms and fed them, they heard it in their sleep as I rocked them...they knew my voice and they trusted me...
But with my little ones, trust has been hard earned, they lost their first voice, the voice they heard, the voice they recognised and trusted, the voice that made them possible, and after the first separation, how many more voices did they hear, until finally they began to lack trust, of ever recognising their voice
again?
And when finally I became a permanent fixture in their lives, a voice of comfort, love and boundaries, the trust by then was broken, and it became harder for them to tune into my voice, nestle in and relax.
Quite often as I spoke of my undying love for them, they would shake their heads in an unconscious desire to block my voice of love out, too risky almost, to believe and trust in its true intent.
But I know it will happen, it happened with our baby big girl, who is now 7, and it will happen with our baby Lil girl, she will one day turn to me and see with her eyes and hear with her heart, and know, without a shadow of doubt, that the voice she hears is true, it is the voice of her Mama, who she can trust.
You see, fear negates trust, trust takes time to build, but we are here for the long haul, forever family, forever in their present, forever in their future, forever helping them to chase their fears away, because we are learning that love casts out all fears.
So I return to the one whose voice called me out of my place of fear, of unrest, of mistrust, I sit still for a moment and I listen to His voice, it beats deep within me, it resonates within my being, His words that I trust, His voice which I have heard, which says....
I am the good Shepherd, my sheep hear my voice, my perfect love casts out all fear, come to me, all who are burdened, I will give you rest, trust in Me with all your heart, don't rely solely on your understanding, focus on me and I will show you the way...I love you, My love will never fail you.
His voice calls deep within me, I trust His words, He has proved Himself true.
Yes, it did take me a long time to trust Him, but now, I hear His voice.
I know that one day Lil M will hear my voice and know she can truly trust me
Mama in love
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