God orchestrated

I know where most of her strengths are, I am her Mama.
Worship is one of them, she has a gentle faith, her voice is deep, she calls it her powerful voice, I love  hearing her sing.
She always wanted to play an instrument, she suggested the violin, I hung back, I suggested the piano, it's not really been a love affair. So one day, she mentioned the flute.
I agreed, it came home, and I watched how it overwhelmed her small frame.
We gave it a term, it didn't feel right, we'd done nothing wrong, it felt right to explore, but still, I felt at loss.
I went to my secret place, my heart, in prayer and I asked the One who really does know the beginning from the end, and said, Father You know her giftings, better than I do myself, you know what nature brings,  I do not know.
The secrets that come down her family line, often surprise me and leave me in awe, and all I can possibly do, is open the door of my heart and support her.
But, You God are all knowing. You nurtured her, in her birth mamas womb, will you open my eyes, to see, what You already know, what suits her, what will make my daughter's heart sing?
And that is where I left it, tucked away in my heart, and in God's hand, until a while later, as I walked and prayed, it came to me, dropped into my heart, the harp.
How I wish I could say that my response was elegant, composed or  calm, I looked around to check who else had heard it, of course it was between me and God.
I questioned, I argued, I challenged, but in the end, I knew what I had heard.
And so the quest began, Facebook as  always a great help, I enquired, I looked, we were put in touch with a lovely teacher, but the harp hire was prohibitive, and just as I was about to file it  all under the heading, maybe for  later, I heard again this quiet voice, which I know as well as my own, don't give up, try once more.
I rang the last place on my list, a shop with a beautiful name, affairs of the harp, left a message, and waited.
A few days later, a returned call, funny you should ring, she said, I've just had a message from a harpist who let's out a harp to students.....and the rest is His story.
A kind God Father stepped in, the hire for a few months is not too prohibitive and twinkle twinkle little star for a hundred times later, and she is away.
Adoption is a wonderful journey,  and in this journey though, there are pieces of this jigsaw, that I may never fill or get to place.
But I have come to realise, that I don't have to, no, I don't believe I do, because He does.
The One, who knows, the beginning from the end, who nurtured her, in her birth mama's womb, and then placed her in my arms, to be her forever mama, He is the one who knows, and delights in sharing His knowledge with me.
I am so thankful Lord.

GDP?????

So today we had this amazing open house lunch at the farm, and Adam walks through the door and says " theres this guy, (ive forgotten his name) who says we should measure a country's GDP according to the size of their wood pile." At which point my heart skipped a beat.
so i said, you what?????
i know, deep hey!!!!
so Adam eloquently explained what GDP meant. ive had to look it up again and this is what i found....
GDP gross domestic product= the total market value of all final goods and services produced in a country in a given year etc etc etc

So according to Adam, we are rich!!! I love this!!!
You see, we don't have two beans in money terms to rub together at the mo, the project has halted, whilst we truly, honestly, completely, unashamedly, humbly , expectantly, wait on God.
If He doesn't do it, it won't get done, not because we are lazy, but because the money has run out.
But according to Adam, and I can tell you, he looked and sounded like a prophet to me, we are rich, because our wood pile is Huge!!!!
And this is how the story goes,
One very very cold winters morning, when we'd only been at the farm a little while, my friend Charlie who runs the garden, popped his head round the door and asked what I was up to?
I was thawing by a poky little fire, longing for a wood burner as the house then had no heating. Charlie chastised me for being such a wimp, at which point i closed my eyes and asked God for some kind word to come out of my mouth as i was feeling very grumpy.
As clear as day God said, tell Charlie a story!
a story says i??? really God???any in mind?????
again He spoke to my heart and said, tell Charlie the story of the Israelites and the manna in the desert, so i did as i was told and I said to Charlie, do you remember from Sunday school the story ..... and he said yes, so i said Charlie as  sure as I know that God wants me here, I know that He will provide the wood to heat this place, I don't know where from, but like the manna that fell day and night, God will provide. Charlie looked bemused and that was that, or so I thought, Charlie left the farm  at midday, by 2.30, Chris rang and said, have you seen the wood?what wood, says I????
And when I went out side, we had already had 6 lorry loads delivered!!
So two years later, with the mountain of wood cut up, shared and stored, I was musing on Gods amazing provision for every single bit of this place, and wondering how we will ever have enough money to finish this awesome project, when an email comes through to say that there was more wood on the way...the same farmer, the same source of wood, on its way to us!!!!!
8lorry loads, our great wood pile!!!!
I just marvelled and took it as a sure sign that God is on the move again, and His provision is on its way. Don't ask me how, or when, but all I can say, as I said to my friend Charlie, as sure as I stand here on the farm four and  a half years down the line, I know because I know, because I know, that help is on its way, because He is so very faithful.
And in Charlie's words to me...you prayed didn't you?
Yep I did.
Adam you made my day. Thank you

God i look to You, I won't be overwhelmed,  give me vision to see things like you do.
God I look to You, You're where my help comes from, give me wisdom to know just what to do.

Words by Jen Johnson Bethel California

A pearl of great price...30 years and counting

Thirty years and its pearl!!!!

That's my marriage, a pearl of great price, like the story in the Bible in Matthew, where it tells  of a pearl merchant, who found the one pearl of great value, and went, sold everything he had to acquire it.  

That was me, no I didn't offer him money to marry me, haha, i wonder what he would have thought of that, i could have said it was a strange Brasilian custom. We were though, in Tanzania always asked how many cows he had paid for my hand in marriage,  but i knew from the moment I met this fun loving, gentle country vet, that he was the man for me.

My poor Mama when I told her, me, her only child....but Chris was worth all the upheaval, all the loss, all the sacrifice, of leaving friends and family behind, he was worth it all. Though I did moan!!!!

Brasil is rather special too!!!!

Jesus tells this story as an example of what heaven is like, now I'm in no way  likening our marriage to Heaven, I'm sure Chris would liken it to many other things, but I do believe with all my heart, that our marriage was made in heaven. 

Take a crazy Brasilian, marry her to a sensible Englishman, and you are bound to get ripples, well really, I ripple and create waves, Chris stays steady. God has a sense of humour!!!

So I'm celebrating, I'm celebrating a wonderful  hunky, kind, generous Godly husband, an amazing Dad, friend and partner. A man whose roots go deep.

We have nurtured our pearl through so many trials, I nearly lost him to tick typhus in deep Africa, he nearly lost me and our twin pregnancy to black water fever, we've nurtured 4 beautiful grown up children, and now two fab little ones, we've cried, laughed and held each other very tight, through storms I do not wish to repeat and our anchor has held fast, thanks to our wonderful Saviour and Friend Jesus, our faith in Daddy God, and the creativity of the Holy Spirit, and they have  pulled us through each and every time.

We've grated each other the wrong way, we've smoothed each others ruffled feathers, we've walked away to calm down and we've sought God in it all, and no we're not perfect, our kids, family and friends can testify to that, but we've learnt a few truths along the way.

We've learnt to say yes to God, to say sorry and to always say I love you..

My darling Chris, your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your love, I cannot live without.

Your early morning singing  and cheerfulness, I have learnt to accept, but most of all, your faith, your grace and your fun loving steadfastness, have kept me sane and in love with you through this journey, our marriage.

I'm so thankful that you are you..

We were once told as a newly married couple that a man marries a woman, hoping that she will never change, and a woman marries a man, hoping she will change him, and yes, they are both wrong.

I say amen to that.

I will love you always, you are so precious to me.

Grace, forgiveness and more grace

I was asleep...or was I, I knew I'd seen a picture, more like a clip, a small vision maybe.

It was so real, I was cross, I was scolding my girls over something or other and as I did so, I saw their expressions, their attitude change. I saw their hearts harden through my un reasonableness, it brought me great sadness, and I prayed Lord, what am I doing wrong and why am I doing this? and He spoke and said, you are not moving in love, you are moving in justice, My grace abounds in grace and love. In justice you have judgement and condemnation.

I woke up feeling physically churned up. I prayed some more and asked for guidance. He took me to the parable of the servant, who had much to be forgiven, was forgiven all his debts by his master, but refused to forgive his fellow servant his small debt, I was floored!!!

I had put myself in that place, though I know I am not perfect, much to the contrary, I was expecting perfection from my wee ones. 

What I saw was so real, I knew it was a lesson to be learnt, and quickly. 

I shared this with my youngest son Bobby who pointed me in the direction of a small book by John and Caroll Arnott, called Grace and forgiveness. A small precious, priceless gem of a book. I Read it in the small hours last night. In there was my story, my keys, my direction, come back to Jesus, He has forgiven you much, so walk in grace and forgiveness. Let Jesus be the Gardner and turn over the soil of my heart, dig up old hardened, bitter roots and let Him release showers of refreshing healing rain of forgiveness. 

And so I did, and will have to do forever and a day, till I meet Him face to face.

if you are like me in any way, if you are frustrated sometimes about being a stay at home Mama, read this book. I said to a precious friend today, I'm an eagle, I'm tired of being a mama hen, but there is a time and place for different training and both are foundational and invaluable, so my Heaven is also a place i call home, and i can be the one that make the difference in it. 

It's here that I learn, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. It's here, at home,  where my boot camp is. 

It's at home where He trusts me with ALL things precious, it is here that i am trained, refined and adorned with grace and love for the journey ahead. 

It is at home where hearts are softened, lives built up and faith renewed. It is at home that I learn to be more like Jesus. 

Love love and more love, grace, grace and more grace, His way.

Be blessed today in your homes, and wherever you are

Xxxxx

S

My sheep hear my voice....why don't my kids hear mine?

I was walking around the farm today, pondering on what was bugging me...
Littles M inability to hear my voice.

No, her hearing is fine, she's just had her 2 year check, I know, I know she's only 2, I understand, and make huge allowances for that, like the Swahili proverb that states, mri wake unawaruhuso,  her age allows her to...
I get that, I really do, but his is  different, it's not just selective hearing, like hubby has, like most males do, my sons are the same, or even our dogs, when they don't want to go outside cause its cold, I don't blame them, I'm partial to a chair by the fire myself, I too have selective hearing.
No, I'm convinced this is different. This isn't the same.

I saw this with our other daughter, XX, when we first became a family, it took two years for her to hear, really hear and trust my voice, and now with Lil M, I see it too.
And I think the missing ingredient is trust.

How long does trust take to build, this trust that doesn't question, that believes that the other, me in this case, has got their best interest at heart?
With our 4 big kids, it was there from the beginning, they new my voice in utero, slightly muffled, possibly distorted, as they heard it through my body, but I know they heard it, they knew me, implicit trust from the beginning, I was their provider, their nurturer.
They heard it as I held them in my arms and fed them, they heard it in their sleep as I rocked them...they knew my voice and they trusted me...
But with my little ones, trust has been hard earned, they lost their first voice, the voice they heard, the voice they recognised and trusted, the voice that made them possible, and after the first separation, how many more voices did they hear, until finally they began to lack trust, of ever recognising their voice
again?
And when finally I became a permanent fixture in their lives, a voice of comfort, love and boundaries, the trust by then was broken, and it became harder for them to tune into my voice, nestle in and relax.

Quite often as I spoke of my undying love for them, they would shake their heads in an unconscious desire to block my voice of love out, too risky almost, to believe and trust in its true intent.
But I know it will happen, it happened with our baby big girl, who is now 7, and it will happen with our baby Lil girl, she will one day turn to me and see with her eyes and hear with her heart, and know, without a shadow of doubt, that the voice she hears is true, it is the voice of her Mama, who she can trust.
You see, fear negates trust, trust takes time to build, but we are here for the long haul, forever family, forever in their present, forever in their future, forever helping them to chase their fears away, because we are learning that love casts out all fears.

So I return to the one whose voice called me out of my place of fear, of unrest, of mistrust, I sit still for a moment and I listen to His voice, it beats deep within me, it resonates within my being, His words that I trust, His voice which I have heard, which says....

I am the good Shepherd, my sheep hear my voice, my perfect love casts out all fear, come to me, all who are burdened, I will give you rest, trust in Me with all your heart, don't rely solely on your understanding, focus on me and I will show you the way...I love you, My love will never fail you.
His voice calls deep within me, I trust His words, He has proved Himself true.

Yes, it did take  me a long time to trust Him, but now, I hear His voice.
I know that one day Lil M will hear my voice and know she can truly trust me

Mama in love

Gifts, yes good gifts....

I love gifts, I don't particularly like surprises, but I love that feeling of opening a box and delighting in what is in it.
The givers generosity, their insight into what we delight in, but also those unexpected presents where a new dimension has been imparted to us, through the wisdom of the giver.
And so this story was like a gift, shared among us at our home group.

We are part of a wonderful home group, we are all so special, just because we are. We delight in each other and we laugh a lot. He is definitely surprising us all.
We have travelled many journeys, over 20 years or more of friendships, but mostly spent  going our separate ways, but God in His infinite wisdom, has brought us together, for such a time as this, but that's another healing story, for another day.

But back to boxes and present...ah yes, so this beautiful friend who comes to home group was sharing with us a dream, a prophecy, a live heart story, a journey of her mind and heart through a vision, that God took her on, and the story, her vision went something like this ..

A woodcutter surveyed His land, He saw that His trees were ready for felling, a tree has many uses, and it was time for the next phase of the journey, He, the Woodcutter, surveyed and chose many that He wished to put to His service, and as many as He chose, He will in time chose them all who wish to serve.
Finally, after much wait, this one tree, was also chosen, and the prunning process began, after all the small snagging branches had to be removed, those that hold us back, those same branches that detract from the main trunk of the tree, those that poke your eyes out when we try to get close, for a bit of tree hugging...

And as these beautiful trees were pruned and then  felled, they were rolled down to the river, immersed in that glorious water, floating in the river of life, tied together, bumped and submerged and floated down to the wood yard.
Once there they were brought to shore, and placed by the Woodcutter in His yard, but to any untrained heart, it looked like they had just been left...left to the elements,  under the sun, the rain and the wind, for seasons of seasoning, because, you see, that seasoning is such a huge part of the process, it's where the sun's heat brings out the sap, it's where the rain washes it all away, the wind comes and blows afresh, so this process can be repeated again and again...

And her cry as she watched, was Lord how much longer?
 Until, finally the day arrived, when the tree, now a log was moved into the drying room, where  there it stayed for a while, until it was ripe and ready to be planned and planned and planned, until the cry from all of us unskilled  observers, listeners, without understanding of the Masters hand was ...how much more has to be cut off and what will remain?

But there was no panic in the Masters Craftsmans hands, because He knew His plan all along, and though it was not clear for all to see, He knew what He had in mind, He knew that no bit of that tree, log, now a plank would be wasted.
And as He worked and chisseled, from His hands, He fastened a box, and she looked and  saw a perfect small box, a treasure, but again the cry from her heart was why, why so small, was it necessary to trim, to prune, to cut so much off, now look, all that is left is this small box...

And with the woodsman, craftsman perfect insight, He said said, my Dear, the box is beautiful, it is there for a purpose, so look inside, and like all vessels which are destined for a Divine purpose, after undergoing so many changes, there it was, inside,  there was the perfect oil, a precious gift, straight from the Masters hand.

You see He said, it's not about the vessel, it's about the oil, the healing oil, the oil of anointing , My oil, that carries My mandate, My imprint,  My gifts for the nations.

And as she told us her vision, The Masters heart cry came to us, will we be glad to carry His oil into our lives?
Will we be glory carriers, love and joy carriers, life carriers, healing, peace and patience carriers, kindness, gentleness,  goodness carriers, faithfulness carriers full of self  control, wisdom and insight?
All because He is and He gives, and He has gifted us this most amazing of ALL gifts, the gift of life with Him and through Him, the most beautiful, perfect gift of all, His Son Jesus, who walked and lived with the worlds heavy needs and yet was not dismayed or tired of doing good because the Fathers oil was poured upon Him, and this same oil, He gives to us through His Holy Spirit today, what gift.

I am so thankful that its not about the box, it's not about me, it's not about people being the perfect box, it's about the oil, His Spirit within me, my hope to see His glory, to see Him be relied on, called upon, released for our wholeness,  throughout the nations, for this generation, in these troubled times.
 Christ in me, the hope of glory.

Wow, what a gift...

Aged to perfection...a good vintage...

It said "aged to perfection" I looked and smiled, it is, he is, I love him.... It hasn't always been so, I did love him from the day we met, I loved his easy ways, his smile, his open nature... And then we changed, or did we? Maybe the real we came out when it felt safe to do so... we didn't mellow like good wine, we fizzed, we popped, we occasionally exploded....we did life. Life with kids, life in the bush, hard life, good life, just life... But things always change, and a bad day, season, time, can also change and we fell in love again, and again and again...just doing life Today 29 years down the line, I love him more, my aged to perfection husband is the apple of my eye.... The fizz, the pops and the bangs , I now realise will always be there...we are of course champagne I discovered, meant to have bubbles, to tickle the nose, to excite the palate... So my Love, here we are, the kids and I celebrate you, honour and love you, my rock, my role model, my thorn in the flesh, my......one. I'm so thankful God knew what He was doing when He brought us together....I know you are too....aren't you ; ) Love you always Xxxxxxxxxx S